Teaching the tiger mom to purr by David E. Favre

Roar! Did you hear that? That sound must mean that learning is taking place somewhere. At least that’s what tiger mother’s would like us to believe. Since the publication of Amy Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, battle lines have been drawn between those who champion strict parenting beliefs and those who support more lenient conceptions. There appears to be no middle ground when it comes to this debate. Each side has characterized the other as being less than human in their beliefs about their children’s education. You are either considered to be a “monster” who will engage in any abusive behavior in order to push your child to the top at his or her school, or a “wimp” who wants nothing more than to be liked by your child and will tiptoe around any topic involving his or her poor performance.

When it comes to holding extreme positions, most often both sides are wrong …and both sides are also a little bit right! Let’s first look at why they are both incorrect. Of course, we all want the best for our children. When they excel in their education, it’s a sign that they will have bright futures with many doors open for them to go through. Outshining their academic peers may also be seen as a vindication of one’s parenting style. But, could there also be an undue cost for a child who makes it to the top? When children grow, they must do so in all domains, not just in an academic domain.  Children’s physical, emotional, social and spiritual growth is also essential to their future success and wellbeing.

Being a tiger mother is essentially adopting the stance that the end justifies the means. Anything goes in parenting just as long as your child comes out on top, gets into the best college or is invited to play piano at Carnegie Hall. For tiger mothers, their child has only succeeded when he or she has reached the mountain peak and all other children are nowhere in sight. It’s irrelevant how cold or lonely it may be at the top, or how many bumps and bruises the child received along the way. There can only be one winner. It’s too bad, because all the children of other tiger mothers at the same school have shamed their parents when they come in second or worse.

Permissive mothers, on the other hand, focus too much on the means, neglecting the importance of the end result for their children. They want only for their children’s happiness. These mothers emphasize the importance of growth in the emotional and social domains over the academic domain.  Critics of this position would argue that children often focusing only on the here-and-now for what will make them happy, with little concern for life beyond graduation. For permissive mothers, their child is a success if he or she has a strong self-esteem, many positive friendships, and enjoys their activities. Academic mediocrity is either praised or ignored altogether. What is most important to the permissive mother is that their child also remains friends with them at any cost.

Obviously, a more moderate stance is needed when confronted with the realities of parenting. This may be found in a more moderate common ground which would replace harshness and inflexibility with obtainable high standards and flexibility of choice.

Both sides in this argument also make equally valid points. Tiger mothers know the value of setting high expectations for their children’s success. Children are more likely to perform at a higher academic level when their learning objectives and standards for assessment are made clear to them. When their children have mastery experiences in academics, their self-efficacy for learning will increase. Tiger mothers also know that when they “assume strength, not fragility”, they are preparing their children for the real world, beyond the shelter of their homelives. These children will be strong and tough and ready to face any challenge when they become adults. Essentially, tiger mothers know that this is the time for their children to prepare for reality. When looking back on their childhood, the children of tiger parents will have confidence that they will succeed.

Permissive mothers know that building their children’s enjoyment for learning can lead to increased creativity and higher levels of learning autonomy. Children who have positive peer relationships and see their friends experience academic success may also come to believe that they can perform equally as well. Permissive mothers are also aware that they can shape their children’s successful behavior by rewarding successive approximations toward achieving a final goal. If children are unable to obtain rewards for their small successes, they may not persist in their efforts to fully develop their academic skills. But most importantly, permissive mothers know that children just need to enjoy their childhood and be free to make mistakes during the sheltered time of their lives. When looking back on their childhood, the children of permissive parents will have assurance that they are loved.

Clearly, both sides in this argument are making their points as well as missing their marks. That is usually the case when extremist viewpoints are adopted. You only see evidence that supports your own claim. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother wouldn’t have become a best seller if Amy Chua’s daughters had not been academic successes. What of the stories about tiger mothers who weren’t able to raise successful children regardless of their high standards. Similarly, success as measured by permissive mothers is so relative that they can always maintain that their children have become successful because their achievements are rarely compared to others.

Ultimately, I feel sad for children who were raised under either extreme condition. Children of tiger mothers may believe that their mother still loves them even if they are called “fatty” or “garbage”, but they may take these words to heart as well. Children of permissive mothers may never know the real sense of pride that comes with working hard and achieving their goals. Granted, few parents are prototypical tiger or permissive mothers, even Amy Chua had to soften her position when faced with her second daughter’s rebellious behavior. Obviously, a more moderate stance is needed when confronted with the realities of parenting. This may be found in a more moderate common ground which would replace harshness and inflexibility with obtainable high standards and flexibility of choice. Moderation in parenting would also replace lack of structure and immediate rewards with a plan for academic success and more meaningful rewards once true success is achieved. A moderate position would take the burden off of parents from having to be either a tyrannical drill sergeant who can never be pleased or a wimpy best friend who is nothing more than a yes-man. This wisdom for moving toward a middle position may be seen by both sides as long as they don’t continue to cling to their entrenched positions. Tiger mothers need to tone down their roar and try to purr every once in a while. Permissive mothers need to strengthen their backbones and stand up to low expectations.

Reference:

Chua, A. (2011). Battle hymn of the tiger mother. Baltimore, MA: Penguin Press.